Saturday, December 1, 2012 1 comments

What a beautiful day!

We spent the morning and part of the afternoon out and about.  The boy and I got up and went to Perkins for pie for breakfast and then he and Jac and I went downtown.  We went to a couple museums and drove around a bit before we were exhausted and headed home.  It was calming and relaxing, the kids played together a bit and were pleasant to each other, they get closer with each hurt that comes their way. Even Kyra has grown closer to her siblings with the latest onslaught of painful interactions. 

I came home and cleaned up the kitchen after having not done dishes for a few days (dishwasher is on the fritz, makes me very sad...I hate hand washing >.<).  It is still not completely done but it's getting there. 

The kids and I have settled into a nice routine and I'm happy for that.  However, the stress level in my heart is starting to peak and it's not good.  I'm worried about bills and making ends meet, I'm worried about Christmas and the new year.  I'm worried about a lot of things.  I know worry doesn't add minutes to a day and I know God is in control but that doesn't stop the panic that is building inside me.  I need to breath and take more time with Him...good thing that time is one thing I seem to have plenty of right now ;)

Friday, November 30, 2012 0 comments


Jac's poetry will remain unpublished for the time being.  There's been some issues with it because of it's subject matter.  I will get her to write more and more though and then we can share it with the world!

Love you all!
Thursday, November 29, 2012 3 comments

Picking Up the Pieces

So here I am, unemployed, trying to figure out where my money will come from, trying to figure out how I will keep my kids in clothes and shoes and in our amazing home.  While I do that God reminds me that He will supply my needs, that He brought my little family back together - that's right, I have all three kids living with me again. 

I am contemplating a few things - one will be getting this blog going again; another is stepping out of my comfort zone and contacting people about starting the coffee shop; another is selling Mary Kay for real.  I'm a consultant but I haven't really put it out there to sell to people.

Soon I will share a few poems that Jac has written, she is the exact same age as I was when we were forced to write poetry for school and I dug my heels in and refused to do it until my teacher sat down and practically held my hand while I wrote out my first poem.  I have watched her do the exact same thing the last two weeks, it has been amusing.  Now, she (like me) is addicted and very excited to get her thoughts out there on paper and make it sound so amazing.

I need some hand holding, I need some accountability partners, I need someone to text/call/facebook/comment on me and remind me that God is in control and that I'm supposed to be getting my stuff together for the things I want to do rather than playing facebook games because it all seems so overwhelming.

How does that sound?

Monday, September 3, 2012 0 comments


I have decided it's time.  I will spend a bit of my free time over the next few months or whatever it takes to begin putting the pieces together to open my coffee shop, the critics be damned.  I have another project to work on tomorrow before I can start going back over my business plan and determine what needs to be added still and such.  On Wednesday I go to job center for a class on how to start your own business.  I am going to hook up with a few other business initiative type places who can help me on the right path.

I will need support, I will need people to keep their yaps shut if they think I'm stupid for doing this.  However, if you have constructive criticism PLEASE SHARE!  If I give details and there's something awry, help me out! <3

I appreciate you all!

Thursday, August 23, 2012 0 comments

Happy 14th Anniversary of the biggest lie I ever believed.

I had a simple, family centered wedding 14 years ago today.  It was based on the idea that we loved each other so much and we were ready to do it and we didn't need anything big and over the top.

I didn't realize then that it was all a lie.  There was very little love involved.  I know that now and I guess what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and smarter. 

God willing I'll find real love sometime, if not I've got Jesus to love on me.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 2 comments

8 days

8 days ago at 2pm I was nervously rocking in a chair.  The judge was going through various aspects of our paperwork, the guardian ad litem was adding his two cents where necessary even though he didn't actually take time to get to know our family and my ex was sitting next to me as we swore an oath to no longer be Mr. and Mrs.  I didn't cry, I didn't laugh, I don't know that I even felt anything other than the heat from the sunny day.

7 days ago I took Little Man to get cavities filled and to use his savings to buy his skateboard.  I remember being around for all these things but I don't know that I was involved with anything except shock.

6 days ago I found myself alone because the boy and Kira, the 14 y.o., had gone for a long walk together.  I think that allowed things to start to sink in and I sank down to the floor and cried.  I mourned, I sobbed, I pleaded with God that I couldn't handle all this alone and finally, I breathed. I sat up and looked around and realized I am doing it.  I had posted earlier on fb that I didn't know how single moms do it and a dear friend pointed out that I AM doing it.  While my head knows this, my heart is still freaking out. 

5 days ago I had my first state job interview, yes on Friday the 13th.  Better yet it was at a prison.  Thankfully, it went smoothly and I walked away wishing I had gone in really wanting the job because I came out wanting it and not sure I put enough effort into it to get it.

4 days ago was the start of my first weekend with all three post-divorce.  It went smoothly, it went well, I came out the other side going, "yeap, I CAN do this." There was sibling crap but that's expected.  Of course, the ex had to drop a bomb that night, he has decided he doesn't want to pay his portion of uninsured costs.  That he pays for the insurance so therefore, he can get away with not paying anything else.  He was cruel in his messages, telling me that I should instill better dental health in my children than I have had throughout the years.  Never mind that I have bipolar disorder and with that comes lovely side effects such as terrible teeth because you crave sugars and carbs and have no energy to go brush your teeth half the time.

3 days ago, he was fine again.  I decided that my ex PMS's worse than any female I know.  I came home from dropping off Jac and breathed some more.  I had made it through intact. 

2 days ago, I had a migraine from all the sunshine.  My depression had been worsening and when that happens, sunshine gives me migraines, even my body wants the weather to cooperate with my moods. 

1 day ago I did some driving with Little Man, talked to a few friends and just did some hanging out.

Today, well.  I had an interview with the Department of Public Instruction that I was well prepared for and I feel like I did well.  I came home and listened to a couple podcasts from a church in the area that I have heard good things about and cleaned the kitchen.  I also made Jac a blanket and got the material to make one for Little Man and a friend's son who turns 1 in August.  I have material to make one for Kira but I have to wait for her to find the shredded remains of her old blanket that she wants me to stitch into her new one.  I also decided it was time to blog again.  I haven't worked since mid-May and there's no reason for me to not have been blogging, no reason for me to not be taking pictures, no reason for me to be hiding from the world.  Except there is, it's what I do.  I'm comfortable in my shell, comfortable avoiding everyone because I have no tolerance for people's insincere crap, their half-hearted hypocrisy and their selfish desires.  Even a lot of Christians I know have their own agenda and if you don't fit nicely on it then you are in the way.  I'd still like to open my coffee shop but there are so many unanswerable questions and I have no money and not very good credit so I don't even know where to start with it.  I may yet still but for now it's back burner'ed. 

Tomorrow is another easy day, I pick up Jac so she can have surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids and then she'll stay here for the next week to recover.

Friday is surgery day.  I am asking for prayers for my sweet child to make it through with no complications and little pain and easy recovery.  No I don't ask for much at all :D
Saturday, May 26, 2012 0 comments

Finally a photo ;)

I finally got off my butt and started taking photos again! I got this shot while I was wandering around downtown, I think it's a neat shot...yes?