Monday, April 30, 2012 1 comments

I just don't know.

So, there are days when I'm on top of it all, know what I need to do and how to do it and how to just be THERE.  But there are days, today is one of them, that I just don't know.  I don't know what I need to do, what I should do, much less HOW to do it. 

I thank God that I have no desire to give up, give in or get dragged down. I just wish things were clearer and more obvious.  I know BIG picture what I need to do, I know most of the details but I don't know exactly how to get there, how to get there God's way, how to get there WITH my family intact, or rather, as intact as it can be. 

I am laying on the couch, in pain AGAIN, wishing I could make things different for my kids.  Wishing I could go back in time and make a huge difference in all the things that should have just been normal stuff that all kids experience that mine didn't because I was depressed, or we were fighting or whatever.  I wish I could change the things that happened that kids shouldn't have to go through, shouldn't have to deal with.

However, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?  Well, my kids are going to be Hercules then aren't they?  I mean, they have dealt with so much.  I know it sounds selfish because there are kids with special needs or kids with cancer or all kinds of 'worse' situations.  However, for me, for my kids, THIS is their cancer, their disease and it's almost killing them.

It's killed my girls' relationship with each other, it's damaged other relationships. 

And I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to even begin to 'make it better'.  Isn't that what Moms are supposed to do?  Shouldn't I be able to 'kiss it and make it better'?  WHY IS NOT WORKING THAT WAY?  Why can I not snap my fingers, click my heels together, wave my magic wand and make it all better?

I know God has a plan, I just wish He'd share the details.
Sunday, April 29, 2012 0 comments

Scripture Sunday

Habakkuk 3.17-18 "Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

Without anything, having nothing.  Would you say the same thing Habakkuk said?  Or would you curse God?  Would you blame the government?  Would you swear things need to change in your country because it JUST SHOULDN'T be like this?  Would you blame the rising cost of health care? Would you quietly make the changes you need to make because you know God is still in control?  What would God have you do?
Saturday, April 28, 2012 0 comments

Plan of Business

So, I'm a nice mommy.  I drove 3 hours so my 14 year old could hang out with some friends, one is a friend she met at church camp last summer and the other is a young man that she met through the first friend.  Cody, from camp, is a 19 year old who is just absolutely the sweetest guy ever.  He's super protective and hates to see people upset.  He's also a Christian and stands firm in his values and morals, which I appreciate all that much more.  Through him (and Xbox), the 14 year old met a young man who turned 16 this past week.  She likes him so much she BAKED for him last night before we came up...yup you heard me right.  The girl child who hates to do anything remotely resembling work around the house baked. 

This boy, I'm impressed so far.  He has strong morals and refuses to back off of them for anything or anyone.  He's a good influence on her, she's been getting up in the morning so they can talk before he goes to school.  She has been doing stuff around the house and she's just doing better.  I'm so thankful.

So, now I am sitting in Culver's working on my business plan for my coffee shop.  I'm wondering how long they will let me linger before I get booted.  I'm still eating so I'm hoping they won't push me out the door until after noon at least ;)  Gives me another half hour minimum ;)

This evening I'm taking the girl child and her boy-friend (I refuse to put the two together for awhile yet ;) ) to Olive Garden because I'm awesome like that.  He already decided I'm cool...I said something while she was on Skype with him and he thought it was hilarious, I guess!

So, I guess we've moved into *that* age.  I have to share my baby girl.  It's bittersweet, but I know it's bound to happen, right?

Can I use getting up at 6 on a Saturday as my 'helping others' for today?  What do you think?

Friday, April 27, 2012 1 comments

Here I am God what can I do for You today?

Do you wake up in the morning and tell God what He can do for you or do you wake up and ask God what you can do for Him?

Do you want to walk out that door and be ready to help or encourage whomever God puts in your path or do you walk out your door and look for the people who can 'bless' you? 

I DARE you to spend a week getting up every morning asking God what you can do for Him, work your schedule around God rather than work God into your schedule.  I dare you.

I'm going to do it and you'll hear how it goes.  Share your stories too!!
Thursday, April 26, 2012 0 comments

Interesting Happenings...

Stay with me, this might be a bit out of order but I'm kind of rambly tonight ;)

So, I am/was in school to finish my bachelor's degree in Accounting.  Well, some of you know that last summer I had changed from accounting to Christian studies in order to go into ministry full time with my then-husband.  I always assumed God meant for us to do it together.  Sooooo, when the marriage fell apart so did my 'dream'.  I went back to my 'stand-by'.  I was going into accounting because there is going to be a lot of good positions opening up when I have the degree, the CPA and enough experience because there are a lot of CPA's in their late 50s right now.  So, that was my 'perfect', make a lot of money, plan.  Well, I like my job now, I like the bookkeeping but I don't want to be a CPA.  The more I look at it the more I hate it.

I realized a few weeks ago, when I was failing my SECOND class EVER, that perhaps I was doing the wrong thing.  That perhaps I wasn't supposed to step away from the ministry God called me too.  Especially when I realized I wouldn't have been taking those two classes had I stayed with the Christian studies degree >.< That's going to be an expensive lesson!!!  I put it to God that if He really wanted me to do this He had to make it pretty clear.

Well, that Sunday, He wrote a sermon JUST for me.  It was about being confident and stepping out and taking the risk of doing what He wants us to do.  Then I found my way into some groups of entrepreneurs who think my idea is awesome.

So, we are back on track and I'm scared to death, good thing that God walks me through the shadow of death, yes?

So, I am working on setting everything up to open my Christian, steampunk coffee shop.  Yup.  It'll be open late and there will be all kinds of music and since I'm just that crazy, I'm opening it on a street that is hugely popular, right near the Capital and closed to cars, it's only open to pedestrians, high rent district but there are also a lot of homeless, needy people who hang around the area.  There will be work areas for people who work from home, there will be WiFi, there will be coffee and conversation and most importantly, there will be a sense of the REAL Jesus.  The one who hung out with the sinners and didn't care for the practice of the Pharisees.  The Jesus who told the woman caught in the act of adultery to 'go and sin no more' rather than condemning and stoning her Himself.  The Jesus who called Peter to walk on the water with Him, when Peter was an alcoholic fisherman.  The Jesus who healed everyone who believed.  The Jesus who submitted Himself to public humiliation, abuse and slaughter without so much as a whimper in His own defense. 

How many Christians can say that they don't fight to be 'right'? That they don't try to get things 'their' way?  Especially under the guise of 'it's God's Word!'.  Get over yourselves.  Jesus says we'll be persecuted because He was.  We aren't going to have it easy here on Earth but we're supposed to continue on and fight the good fight and treat people the way Jesus treated them.  With love, care and healing touches. 

My coffee shop will be a refuge, a shelter, yes there will be a charge for things, but there will also be a caring hand.  It's not like you can't tell who the homeless people are, that they don't stand out like a sore thumb.  They will be cared for and no one will be allowed to be nasty to them.  Because what we do to the least of these is what we do to Jesus.  Would you want to get to Heaven and have Him say, "I was hungry and you didn't feed me?" just because He showed up as a dirty, stinky homeless person?  Hate to break it to you but when He was here on Earth, He WAS a dirty, stinky homeless person!!!!!

I am finishing up my business plan, still trying to figure out a name...had one and realized it was too similar to something else here in town so I want to change it.  Ideas are welcome!!!

Monday, April 9, 2012 0 comments

Revisiting the past...

So I had blogged elsewhere for almost 5 years.  Tonight, while hooking up Simply Dwyn with networked blogs I was compelled to read a few old posts.  Sat and read through the entire 5 years.  Realized, again, that I always did know how bad things were and just avoided it.  Played church.  Played the good wife.  Played, played, played.  Never thought I'd consider myself a player!!!!

Today is a new day. No more games, not with myself, not with my kids, not with God. 

No more games, go hard or go home.  I'm living for the One who made me.  The One who got me this far and the One who gave His Life so I could be free.

Love me or leave me alone. How do you like me now?

(Oh and this message brought to you by lack of sleep, overload of chocolate, love of my kids being here for 5 days straight and the sheer thought of how far away from God I had wandered at different points.  So glad I've found my way back to Him.)
Saturday, April 7, 2012 0 comments

Those three days....

So, it's Easter weekend.  People talk about Jesus on the cross, Jesus in the garden, the darkness and earth shaking when He died.  They rejoice in the resurrection.

However, we miss something that I find to be VERY important.  The disciples. Everything they believed up until that fateful weekend. Then, their entire world fell apart.

Have you ever spent 'dry' time?  When you don't hear from God? When you almost wonder if He's even there? You know, those times where you stay home from church because 'what if they can tell that God isn't talking to me?'  Yeah, those times.  The times where no amount of tears and pleading and begging will reconnect you.

That was 'Easter weekend' for the disciples, for the women who followed him, for everyone who believed that Jesus was King. Not only were they afraid for their physical lives but for their spiritual ones too.  If Jesus was not who He said He was then they had walked away from the Jewish traditions and were guilty of betrayal as well.

Just sit in that for a bit, we all want the good feeling that Jesus brings.  We want the "Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full--pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back." (Luke 6.38) We want the future that God has promised - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jere 29.11) We want THOSE things.  We forget that Jesus said "Do you remember what I told you? 'A slave is not greater than the master.' Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you."  So we will be persecuted, not always by the people around us because we don't always fight flesh and blood.  Ephesians 6.12 tells us "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." So, they heavy desperation, the depression, the sadness, the darkness, the plea for help to God that seemingly goes unheard...that is what we need to fight against.  Just as the disciples did.

They had to fight against that same set of demons. It started in the Garden, with Jesus (well, it really started  in the Garden with Adam and Eve but I mean for the disciples) and won't finish until Jesus comes back again.

I am leaving you with this video on Easter Eve.  Do YOU remember the Garden? Do YOU remember Jesus' prayers? Do you remember the REAL reason why Easter Sunday was such a relief?  Will you let your weight be lifted when you recall that Jesus DID rise again on the 3rd day?

Monday, April 2, 2012 0 comments


The pain pushes against me
it takes my breath away
you share your pain with me
I think I'll be able to breathe again
but then you drop the weight
and I can't breath
Promises of truth
Promises of better actions
start to lift it again
but time and again you just drop the weight
letting me suffer
letting the pain get to me
can't you just let me die?
Why do you insist on torturing me?
Giving me just enough air to think I'll make it
Only to cut me off again
leaving me foggy headed and disoriented
I can only lash out because I'm blinded by the lack of oxygen
I don't care where I hit
I want to hurt you back, I want to watch you bleed
I want to tear you apart and make you feel my pain
but still I realize
I can't....breathe.