Monday, April 30, 2012

I just don't know.

So, there are days when I'm on top of it all, know what I need to do and how to do it and how to just be THERE.  But there are days, today is one of them, that I just don't know.  I don't know what I need to do, what I should do, much less HOW to do it. 

I thank God that I have no desire to give up, give in or get dragged down. I just wish things were clearer and more obvious.  I know BIG picture what I need to do, I know most of the details but I don't know exactly how to get there, how to get there God's way, how to get there WITH my family intact, or rather, as intact as it can be. 

I am laying on the couch, in pain AGAIN, wishing I could make things different for my kids.  Wishing I could go back in time and make a huge difference in all the things that should have just been normal stuff that all kids experience that mine didn't because I was depressed, or we were fighting or whatever.  I wish I could change the things that happened that kids shouldn't have to go through, shouldn't have to deal with.

However, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?  Well, my kids are going to be Hercules then aren't they?  I mean, they have dealt with so much.  I know it sounds selfish because there are kids with special needs or kids with cancer or all kinds of 'worse' situations.  However, for me, for my kids, THIS is their cancer, their disease and it's almost killing them.

It's killed my girls' relationship with each other, it's damaged other relationships. 

And I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to even begin to 'make it better'.  Isn't that what Moms are supposed to do?  Shouldn't I be able to 'kiss it and make it better'?  WHY IS NOT WORKING THAT WAY?  Why can I not snap my fingers, click my heels together, wave my magic wand and make it all better?

I know God has a plan, I just wish He'd share the details.


Phoenix said...

I wish I had the right words to say... I understand how you feel the last 2yrs have been really hard for us as a family. We were homeless and in a shelter for a good part of last year before that staying with friends and family. It has taken a serious toll on us, our relationships with each other and family. All I can say is that it will get better, it has to! Just give it time relationships will heal.

My girls are younger than yours, but they go through ups and downs. I pray that they will someday know how important they are to each other as my sister and I finally have.

Keep praying and take one minute, one hour or one day at time. I know it is hard! If you ever need to talk I am here!

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