Wednesday, July 18, 2012

8 days

8 days ago at 2pm I was nervously rocking in a chair.  The judge was going through various aspects of our paperwork, the guardian ad litem was adding his two cents where necessary even though he didn't actually take time to get to know our family and my ex was sitting next to me as we swore an oath to no longer be Mr. and Mrs.  I didn't cry, I didn't laugh, I don't know that I even felt anything other than the heat from the sunny day.

7 days ago I took Little Man to get cavities filled and to use his savings to buy his skateboard.  I remember being around for all these things but I don't know that I was involved with anything except shock.

6 days ago I found myself alone because the boy and Kira, the 14 y.o., had gone for a long walk together.  I think that allowed things to start to sink in and I sank down to the floor and cried.  I mourned, I sobbed, I pleaded with God that I couldn't handle all this alone and finally, I breathed. I sat up and looked around and realized I am doing it.  I had posted earlier on fb that I didn't know how single moms do it and a dear friend pointed out that I AM doing it.  While my head knows this, my heart is still freaking out. 

5 days ago I had my first state job interview, yes on Friday the 13th.  Better yet it was at a prison.  Thankfully, it went smoothly and I walked away wishing I had gone in really wanting the job because I came out wanting it and not sure I put enough effort into it to get it.

4 days ago was the start of my first weekend with all three post-divorce.  It went smoothly, it went well, I came out the other side going, "yeap, I CAN do this." There was sibling crap but that's expected.  Of course, the ex had to drop a bomb that night, he has decided he doesn't want to pay his portion of uninsured costs.  That he pays for the insurance so therefore, he can get away with not paying anything else.  He was cruel in his messages, telling me that I should instill better dental health in my children than I have had throughout the years.  Never mind that I have bipolar disorder and with that comes lovely side effects such as terrible teeth because you crave sugars and carbs and have no energy to go brush your teeth half the time.

3 days ago, he was fine again.  I decided that my ex PMS's worse than any female I know.  I came home from dropping off Jac and breathed some more.  I had made it through intact. 

2 days ago, I had a migraine from all the sunshine.  My depression had been worsening and when that happens, sunshine gives me migraines, even my body wants the weather to cooperate with my moods. 

1 day ago I did some driving with Little Man, talked to a few friends and just did some hanging out.

Today, well.  I had an interview with the Department of Public Instruction that I was well prepared for and I feel like I did well.  I came home and listened to a couple podcasts from a church in the area that I have heard good things about and cleaned the kitchen.  I also made Jac a blanket and got the material to make one for Little Man and a friend's son who turns 1 in August.  I have material to make one for Kira but I have to wait for her to find the shredded remains of her old blanket that she wants me to stitch into her new one.  I also decided it was time to blog again.  I haven't worked since mid-May and there's no reason for me to not have been blogging, no reason for me to not be taking pictures, no reason for me to be hiding from the world.  Except there is, it's what I do.  I'm comfortable in my shell, comfortable avoiding everyone because I have no tolerance for people's insincere crap, their half-hearted hypocrisy and their selfish desires.  Even a lot of Christians I know have their own agenda and if you don't fit nicely on it then you are in the way.  I'd still like to open my coffee shop but there are so many unanswerable questions and I have no money and not very good credit so I don't even know where to start with it.  I may yet still but for now it's back burner'ed. 

Tomorrow is another easy day, I pick up Jac so she can have surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids and then she'll stay here for the next week to recover.

Friday is surgery day.  I am asking for prayers for my sweet child to make it through with no complications and little pain and easy recovery.  No I don't ask for much at all :D


The Bipolar Diva said...

What an 8 days you've had. And you CAN do it! I wonder what I can actually accomplish being bipolar and all, but boy, you're inspiring!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Carrie, my heart hurts for you and all you have gone through since this began. I don't know if I could do it myself. On a good day, I am depressed. It is just something I have to live with. I admire your courage to keep going forward, even when it sucks the most. I have no answers for you here, but I do keep you and your kids in my prayers. I understand the safety and comfort of the shell we run to when things get too tough. Sometimes I live in it for a very long time and just keep the doors and windows wide open so I don't lose touch. Just remember sweetie, you are never alone and God loves you so much. You are an inspiration to me.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Post a Comment