I have decided it's time. I will spend a bit of my free time over the next few months or whatever it takes to begin putting the pieces together to open my coffee shop, the critics be damned. I have another project to work on tomorrow before I can start going back over my business plan and determine what needs to be added still and such. On Wednesday I go to job center for a class on how to start your own business. I am going to hook up with a few other business initiative type places who can help me on the right path.
I will need support, I will need people to keep their yaps shut if they think I'm stupid for doing this. However, if you have constructive criticism PLEASE SHARE! If I give details and there's something awry, help me out! <3
I appreciate you all!
I had a simple, family centered wedding 14 years ago today. It was based on the idea that we loved each other so much and we were ready to do it and we didn't need anything big and over the top.
I didn't realize then that it was all a lie. There was very little love involved. I know that now and I guess what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and smarter.
God willing I'll find real love sometime, if not I've got Jesus to love on me.
I didn't realize then that it was all a lie. There was very little love involved. I know that now and I guess what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and smarter.
God willing I'll find real love sometime, if not I've got Jesus to love on me.
8 days ago at 2pm I was nervously rocking in a chair. The judge was going through various aspects of our paperwork, the guardian ad litem was adding his two cents where necessary even though he didn't actually take time to get to know our family and my ex was sitting next to me as we swore an oath to no longer be Mr. and Mrs. I didn't cry, I didn't laugh, I don't know that I even felt anything other than the heat from the sunny day.
7 days ago I took Little Man to get cavities filled and to use his savings to buy his skateboard. I remember being around for all these things but I don't know that I was involved with anything except shock.
6 days ago I found myself alone because the boy and Kira, the 14 y.o., had gone for a long walk together. I think that allowed things to start to sink in and I sank down to the floor and cried. I mourned, I sobbed, I pleaded with God that I couldn't handle all this alone and finally, I breathed. I sat up and looked around and realized I am doing it. I had posted earlier on fb that I didn't know how single moms do it and a dear friend pointed out that I AM doing it. While my head knows this, my heart is still freaking out.
5 days ago I had my first state job interview, yes on Friday the 13th. Better yet it was at a prison. Thankfully, it went smoothly and I walked away wishing I had gone in really wanting the job because I came out wanting it and not sure I put enough effort into it to get it.
4 days ago was the start of my first weekend with all three post-divorce. It went smoothly, it went well, I came out the other side going, "yeap, I CAN do this." There was sibling crap but that's expected. Of course, the ex had to drop a bomb that night, he has decided he doesn't want to pay his portion of uninsured costs. That he pays for the insurance so therefore, he can get away with not paying anything else. He was cruel in his messages, telling me that I should instill better dental health in my children than I have had throughout the years. Never mind that I have bipolar disorder and with that comes lovely side effects such as terrible teeth because you crave sugars and carbs and have no energy to go brush your teeth half the time.
3 days ago, he was fine again. I decided that my ex PMS's worse than any female I know. I came home from dropping off Jac and breathed some more. I had made it through intact.
2 days ago, I had a migraine from all the sunshine. My depression had been worsening and when that happens, sunshine gives me migraines, even my body wants the weather to cooperate with my moods.
1 day ago I did some driving with Little Man, talked to a few friends and just did some hanging out.
Today, well. I had an interview with the Department of Public Instruction that I was well prepared for and I feel like I did well. I came home and listened to a couple podcasts from a church in the area that I have heard good things about and cleaned the kitchen. I also made Jac a blanket and got the material to make one for Little Man and a friend's son who turns 1 in August. I have material to make one for Kira but I have to wait for her to find the shredded remains of her old blanket that she wants me to stitch into her new one. I also decided it was time to blog again. I haven't worked since mid-May and there's no reason for me to not have been blogging, no reason for me to not be taking pictures, no reason for me to be hiding from the world. Except there is, it's what I do. I'm comfortable in my shell, comfortable avoiding everyone because I have no tolerance for people's insincere crap, their half-hearted hypocrisy and their selfish desires. Even a lot of Christians I know have their own agenda and if you don't fit nicely on it then you are in the way. I'd still like to open my coffee shop but there are so many unanswerable questions and I have no money and not very good credit so I don't even know where to start with it. I may yet still but for now it's back burner'ed.
Tomorrow is another easy day, I pick up Jac so she can have surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids and then she'll stay here for the next week to recover.
Friday is surgery day. I am asking for prayers for my sweet child to make it through with no complications and little pain and easy recovery. No I don't ask for much at all :D
7 days ago I took Little Man to get cavities filled and to use his savings to buy his skateboard. I remember being around for all these things but I don't know that I was involved with anything except shock.
6 days ago I found myself alone because the boy and Kira, the 14 y.o., had gone for a long walk together. I think that allowed things to start to sink in and I sank down to the floor and cried. I mourned, I sobbed, I pleaded with God that I couldn't handle all this alone and finally, I breathed. I sat up and looked around and realized I am doing it. I had posted earlier on fb that I didn't know how single moms do it and a dear friend pointed out that I AM doing it. While my head knows this, my heart is still freaking out.
5 days ago I had my first state job interview, yes on Friday the 13th. Better yet it was at a prison. Thankfully, it went smoothly and I walked away wishing I had gone in really wanting the job because I came out wanting it and not sure I put enough effort into it to get it.
4 days ago was the start of my first weekend with all three post-divorce. It went smoothly, it went well, I came out the other side going, "yeap, I CAN do this." There was sibling crap but that's expected. Of course, the ex had to drop a bomb that night, he has decided he doesn't want to pay his portion of uninsured costs. That he pays for the insurance so therefore, he can get away with not paying anything else. He was cruel in his messages, telling me that I should instill better dental health in my children than I have had throughout the years. Never mind that I have bipolar disorder and with that comes lovely side effects such as terrible teeth because you crave sugars and carbs and have no energy to go brush your teeth half the time.
3 days ago, he was fine again. I decided that my ex PMS's worse than any female I know. I came home from dropping off Jac and breathed some more. I had made it through intact.
2 days ago, I had a migraine from all the sunshine. My depression had been worsening and when that happens, sunshine gives me migraines, even my body wants the weather to cooperate with my moods.
1 day ago I did some driving with Little Man, talked to a few friends and just did some hanging out.
Today, well. I had an interview with the Department of Public Instruction that I was well prepared for and I feel like I did well. I came home and listened to a couple podcasts from a church in the area that I have heard good things about and cleaned the kitchen. I also made Jac a blanket and got the material to make one for Little Man and a friend's son who turns 1 in August. I have material to make one for Kira but I have to wait for her to find the shredded remains of her old blanket that she wants me to stitch into her new one. I also decided it was time to blog again. I haven't worked since mid-May and there's no reason for me to not have been blogging, no reason for me to not be taking pictures, no reason for me to be hiding from the world. Except there is, it's what I do. I'm comfortable in my shell, comfortable avoiding everyone because I have no tolerance for people's insincere crap, their half-hearted hypocrisy and their selfish desires. Even a lot of Christians I know have their own agenda and if you don't fit nicely on it then you are in the way. I'd still like to open my coffee shop but there are so many unanswerable questions and I have no money and not very good credit so I don't even know where to start with it. I may yet still but for now it's back burner'ed.
Tomorrow is another easy day, I pick up Jac so she can have surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids and then she'll stay here for the next week to recover.
Friday is surgery day. I am asking for prayers for my sweet child to make it through with no complications and little pain and easy recovery. No I don't ask for much at all :D
So, there are days when I'm on top of it all, know what I need to do and how to do it and how to just be THERE. But there are days, today is one of them, that I just don't know. I don't know what I need to do, what I should do, much less HOW to do it.
I thank God that I have no desire to give up, give in or get dragged down. I just wish things were clearer and more obvious. I know BIG picture what I need to do, I know most of the details but I don't know exactly how to get there, how to get there God's way, how to get there WITH my family intact, or rather, as intact as it can be.
I am laying on the couch, in pain AGAIN, wishing I could make things different for my kids. Wishing I could go back in time and make a huge difference in all the things that should have just been normal stuff that all kids experience that mine didn't because I was depressed, or we were fighting or whatever. I wish I could change the things that happened that kids shouldn't have to go through, shouldn't have to deal with.
However, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Well, my kids are going to be Hercules then aren't they? I mean, they have dealt with so much. I know it sounds selfish because there are kids with special needs or kids with cancer or all kinds of 'worse' situations. However, for me, for my kids, THIS is their cancer, their disease and it's almost killing them.
It's killed my girls' relationship with each other, it's damaged other relationships.
And I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to even begin to 'make it better'. Isn't that what Moms are supposed to do? Shouldn't I be able to 'kiss it and make it better'? WHY IS NOT WORKING THAT WAY? Why can I not snap my fingers, click my heels together, wave my magic wand and make it all better?
I know God has a plan, I just wish He'd share the details.
I thank God that I have no desire to give up, give in or get dragged down. I just wish things were clearer and more obvious. I know BIG picture what I need to do, I know most of the details but I don't know exactly how to get there, how to get there God's way, how to get there WITH my family intact, or rather, as intact as it can be.
I am laying on the couch, in pain AGAIN, wishing I could make things different for my kids. Wishing I could go back in time and make a huge difference in all the things that should have just been normal stuff that all kids experience that mine didn't because I was depressed, or we were fighting or whatever. I wish I could change the things that happened that kids shouldn't have to go through, shouldn't have to deal with.
However, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Well, my kids are going to be Hercules then aren't they? I mean, they have dealt with so much. I know it sounds selfish because there are kids with special needs or kids with cancer or all kinds of 'worse' situations. However, for me, for my kids, THIS is their cancer, their disease and it's almost killing them.
It's killed my girls' relationship with each other, it's damaged other relationships.
And I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to even begin to 'make it better'. Isn't that what Moms are supposed to do? Shouldn't I be able to 'kiss it and make it better'? WHY IS NOT WORKING THAT WAY? Why can I not snap my fingers, click my heels together, wave my magic wand and make it all better?
I know God has a plan, I just wish He'd share the details.
Habakkuk 3.17-18 "Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"
Without anything, having nothing. Would you say the same thing Habakkuk said? Or would you curse God? Would you blame the government? Would you swear things need to change in your country because it JUST SHOULDN'T be like this? Would you blame the rising cost of health care? Would you quietly make the changes you need to make because you know God is still in control? What would God have you do?
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"
Without anything, having nothing. Would you say the same thing Habakkuk said? Or would you curse God? Would you blame the government? Would you swear things need to change in your country because it JUST SHOULDN'T be like this? Would you blame the rising cost of health care? Would you quietly make the changes you need to make because you know God is still in control? What would God have you do?
So, I'm a nice mommy. I drove 3 hours so my 14 year old could hang out with some friends, one is a friend she met at church camp last summer and the other is a young man that she met through the first friend. Cody, from camp, is a 19 year old who is just absolutely the sweetest guy ever. He's super protective and hates to see people upset. He's also a Christian and stands firm in his values and morals, which I appreciate all that much more. Through him (and Xbox), the 14 year old met a young man who turned 16 this past week. She likes him so much she BAKED for him last night before we came up...yup you heard me right. The girl child who hates to do anything remotely resembling work around the house baked.
This boy, I'm impressed so far. He has strong morals and refuses to back off of them for anything or anyone. He's a good influence on her, she's been getting up in the morning so they can talk before he goes to school. She has been doing stuff around the house and she's just doing better. I'm so thankful.
So, now I am sitting in Culver's working on my business plan for my coffee shop. I'm wondering how long they will let me linger before I get booted. I'm still eating so I'm hoping they won't push me out the door until after noon at least ;) Gives me another half hour minimum ;)
This evening I'm taking the girl child and her boy-friend (I refuse to put the two together for awhile yet ;) ) to Olive Garden because I'm awesome like that. He already decided I'm cool...I said something while she was on Skype with him and he thought it was hilarious, I guess!
So, I guess we've moved into *that* age. I have to share my baby girl. It's bittersweet, but I know it's bound to happen, right?
Can I use getting up at 6 on a Saturday as my 'helping others' for today? What do you think?
This boy, I'm impressed so far. He has strong morals and refuses to back off of them for anything or anyone. He's a good influence on her, she's been getting up in the morning so they can talk before he goes to school. She has been doing stuff around the house and she's just doing better. I'm so thankful.
So, now I am sitting in Culver's working on my business plan for my coffee shop. I'm wondering how long they will let me linger before I get booted. I'm still eating so I'm hoping they won't push me out the door until after noon at least ;) Gives me another half hour minimum ;)
This evening I'm taking the girl child and her boy-friend (I refuse to put the two together for awhile yet ;) ) to Olive Garden because I'm awesome like that. He already decided I'm cool...I said something while she was on Skype with him and he thought it was hilarious, I guess!
So, I guess we've moved into *that* age. I have to share my baby girl. It's bittersweet, but I know it's bound to happen, right?
Can I use getting up at 6 on a Saturday as my 'helping others' for today? What do you think?
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